December 20, 2017

Are you raising an obedient child?

Are you aiming to raise an obedient child? Do you wish to raise a child who listens and does exactly what is asked for, by parents/grandparents at home and teachers at school?

What is obedience?

Well, the dictionary says: compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority.
observance of a monastic rule.

So, basically, obedience is doing what is asked for. No ifs, no buts, Just do what is told. And, what are the reasons that are usually quoted?

  • I am elder than you, I know better, do it the way I am saying
  • The teacher has ultimate authority, you have to do whatever the teacher says. You should not say 'No'.
  • You should never say 'No' to elderly/parents/grandparents
  • If you don't listen to what I say, I am not going to give you what you asked me (some bribe).
  • If you don't do as I ask you to, never will I listen to you in future. 
A child who always obeys what the others say develops to be obedient with absolutely no power to exercise his/her own thinking in one's own life. 

May be, just one possible reason for child abuse could be that the child lost her power to say 'No'. Because, her 'No' was never acknowledged at home or school, because she lost trust that her 'No' can be heard, because she never knew she could even say 'No' to something?

Why can't we raise children who live on their own thoughts. Why can't children listen to all that the elders say and then, think for themselves what is right and act upon it? 

If the child is always nodding a yes to all that the elders say, how can she be provided with opportunities in life where she has to know what good is, what evil is and choose good over evil? 

The foundation for all this is mostly set in a very early age (0-6 years) where the child encounters tens of situations in everyday life where the child picks something or wishes to do something but is stopped abruptly by the parent. Or even in school, rather than bringing out the thoughts from a child, thought process of the teacher is forced upon the child.

The early years of child development is utmost important because, 95% of the brain is developed in these early years. 

So, how should the situation be dealt with? Empower the child. Provide ample opportunities for her to think upon the situation and make a decision of what she wants to do. Points like the ones listed below are to be kept in mind before making any decision:
  • One's thoughts, words, actions do not hurt any other
  • One's thoughts, words, actions are pure and united. This is termed  as 'Trikaranasuddhi'
both the above are something that cannot be taught to a child, but, will be followed by a child who constantly watches the parent doing it.

There is nothing that we specifically teach a child. A child learns, very naturally, all that the parents do. If you want to raise better kids, focus on raising your own self to a better version every day and also focus on staying connected to your child emotionally. The ground for your child to bloom is set. 

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December 14, 2017

What people say.....

To the person who insisted me to force my 1 year old  to wear a fancy dress, which she was not comfortable in, just so, she grows up to be rough and tough to deal with the harsh world around,

To the person who insisted me to tame my child so that she listens to what is being said,

To the person who insisted me to speak loud to my child even when my child is crying just so, she begins to understand that she has to listen to what is being said,

To the person who asked me if my child always 'talks so much',

To the person who said, my child doesn't wear clothes good enough for her to get prospective alliances after 20 years from now,

To the person who said, I am spoiling my child by not being strict with her,

To the person who termed an active toddler as undisciplined,

To the person who made fun of my 9 months inquisitive child as she was putting many raw veggies in her mouth,

To the person who called a toddler, who refuses to stay at a certain place because she is not used it, there were none who tried to get her close and share emotions, as timid,

To the person who judges the personality of a child by her action at a given moment,

I am least bothered about what you or the entire world thinks of my parenting style.

I believe, I am here for a purpose. I believe my children have chosen me as their mother for a purpose. I believe they have chosen to create a family for me and my husband for a purpose. And, this, the purpose is in no way inferior to how others wish that I spend time with my child.

The same child(1 yr old) who refused to wear that specific fancy dress because the tag was hurting her, loves to wear floor length gowns a little later (year or two or more). The same child who wore the dress excitingly on one day may refuse to wear it on another day. Just because the parent's voice overpowers that of a child, the parent, does not have a right to yell and get things done. Whatever the child does, she does it for a reason, not to please you or me or any other in this damn world. When she accepts, it is for a purpose. When she rejects, it is for a purpose. Whether you wish to hear your child or not becomes the foundation of your connection with her.

What did you just say? I should tame my child? Should I tame her inquisitiveness so that she stops inquiring of things around her and sits silently in a corner of a room?
Should I ignore her curiosity and ask her to just shut her mouth and read and recite ABCs?
Taming is done to animals for them to perform in circus, where, the animal sits if its master says to sit and stands when the master says so. Neither am I the master of my child, nor my child any animal that needs to be tamed so that she keeps following orders for her entire life.

How long should the child keep listening to parent? Until she reaches her high school? college? 30s? 40s? 50s? Where is the limit. Why should only the child listen to parent? I am sure the parent is missing out on some incredible thoughts and inputs from a child when he/she has silenced the child and made communication a one-way channel where only the parent speaks and child listens. Look beyond what you see. Children have more powerful intuition. They have great things to offer. If only children are heard too.

Yes, my child talks much. Yes, my child is very silent. Yes, my child talks moderately. No one statement describes my child. or in fact, any child, and even an adult. Any person behaves according to how comfortable one feels in the given scenario. When you have physical energy and are mentally connected to people around, you tend to talk and talk and talk. When you do not feel like talking, you do not talk. When you feel ok to talk, you talk moderately. Again, all these terms - talking much, less and moderate are relative terms and vary from person to person. The fact is, you cannot define a person by how he/she is at any given moment.

My child talks, so much that, she can weave a story even if you just give her plain paper and pen. She starts to draw imaginary things on paper and tell story about it. Leave about giving her something, even if you do not offer her any resource, she can weave a story for you at that minute. But, whether she does it or not, depends on the exact scenario at that instant. If you happen to listen to her talk, I must say, you should appreciate her creativity and ability to form words out of nothing visible to you. You too, might not be good at it. Hence, at least, sometimes, appreciate what you notice.

As mentioned earlier, a child does not do things to please you  or me or the damn world. Children are not manipulative. A child has the purest consciousness, also, closely connected to her sub-conscious.
The way a person is, now, is different from the way he would be tomorrow, leave talking about 20 years from now. Live the moment. Enjoy life.

Does too much love spoil anyone? Firstly, if there is any spoiled person, it is because of lack of love, lack of feeling trusted in his childhood and lack of feeling all the good emotions in his lifetime.

Toddlers love to move around. Toddlers learn from movement. Just because you cannot stand a child who is actively moving around the house, it is not justified to threaten him and keep him seated in a room and terming this as 'discipline'. A toddler who is physically active, jumping, hopping, stretching his body, stretching his legs, moving around, not staying still for a minute, trying to stand upside down is absolutely normal and is following nature's developmental path for her mind and body.

Children are curious by nature. Until at least a year, child loves to explore things using mouth, tongue. S/he explores the texture too with tongue first. It is completely normal for a child to put in raw vegetables in mouth as part of her exploratory behaviour.

When a child refuses to stay at a place where she does not feel comfortable, it does not make her timid, instead, it makes her responsible and decisive about what she wants to do according to her capabilities. She knows, she does not feel safe with new person/guest at home, when she says no, the parent does not have a right to say 'it's ok, you can go to him or stay here'. A child should be trusted for using her intuition.

I know, the ones listed above are only few of what I hear from the people around me, nonetheless, the way I wish to upbring my children will, in no way, depend on what people, who think so less of children, say. Children, though smaller in size, are spiritually more powerful than adults.

If you wouldn't say so to an adult (friend/spouse), you should not be saying so to your child too.

Children are people too. Children have to be respected.


He(Art) of Parenting

The term 'He(Art) of Parenting' was first coined to describe my writing on parenting. So, why He(Art)?

Because, parenting is a natural art that comes right from within the heart. It is pure and genuine only when the feeling comes gushing straight from the heart and not when you do because the parenting rule says so. Hence, I truly feel, to practice the natural art of parenting, you should be connected to your soul and feel all your emotions directed straight from your heart towards your actions.

You could read more on how intuition works on parenting here