January 22, 2016

Responsible vs Control - The fine line between them

Do you think you want to take control of your child's behaviour or do you feel responsible for your child's behaviour?

The first 6 years of any child's life is very crucial. These are the formative years of child's later life. During this period, their physical organs are still growing, the neurons are still making some new connections continuously, their mind is developing, they are constantly learning what's going around them and what they are supposed to do. Immediate family members play an important role in their learning experience. So, what do you think should be the parent's lifestyle?





Conscious parenting plays an important role in the parent-child relation. Being aware of yourself, being aware of your child, being aware of your behaviour, being aware of the way you talk, being aware that your child is saying the same words that you did, being aware that your child is talking in the same tone as you did, being aware that your child is learning how to lead life from the way you lead yours, being aware that you are responsible for your child's experiential learning.

Being responsible for your child is something very big to imagine, like, you are responsible for another human's behaviour? Isn't each of us responsible for our own behaviour? Who is ready to take the responsibility of another human's behaviour?

Think of it like this. When your baby is restless, whatever be the reason, the way to calm her down is the parent being calm about it first. Else, when baby is restless, the parent becomes restless, baby who is very quick and already observing what the parent is doing, how he/she is reacting to her needs, learns to become even more restless seeing her parent.

Now, think of how it had been if you were calm. If you were calm in your voice, consistent in what you are saying, it may definitely take time for your child to understand what you are saying but the immediate reaction that she learnt is not 'being restless' for sure. She takes time, she cannot comprehend all that you are saying in words, she needs affection to be shown at the moment, she needs some comfort, she needs the assurance that you are always with her to help her understand the situation and react accordingly all of which seize to exist once the parent reacts in a negative way(yelling or being restless) to child's behaviour.




Hence, the key point to understand is that when the child shows irritation in her actions, it is you who has to stay in control, forget about controlling your child. Read a related post here.

The primary point is, it is necessary to have the sense of responsibility that the child is learning every behavioural aspect from you. The way you talk, the way you eat, the way you act. All through the day, you are involved in many tasks of your child. Your child is constantly learning something from each of them. She learns how to eat from the way you feed her, she learns how to stay calm from the way you stay calm even when tired, she learns how to engage time in creative things from the way you engage your time, she learns, learns and keeps learning. More importantly, it is also required of us that we learn from our children.

Talking about just one point - the child learns how to engage time in creative things from the way you engage your time. Did you have T.V. time with your months baby lying beside you on the sofa and you glaring at the T.V.? She is just months old, most of the time sleeping, does not have ability to move or play much with an adult and more importantly, she is not calling you to engage her, she is just lying there looking at the roof for sometime, feeding and sleeping for the rest of the day, how else would you kill time? So, the parent resorts to T.V. or chatting over phone etc. But, the child is continuously watching what the parent does. She is learning what life is by looking at how their parents are living their life. She is learning that having video time is one important thing to do once she grows up.

All this while, if the parent was conscious of her parenting style, more aware of what the child learns and how the child learns, he/she would have spent the same video time in doing something more creative. Every moment that you spend with your child right from their infancy stage is very important and plays a crucial role in how they are going to spend their early childhood.

Some link to read about here.

I don't think anyone would disagree when I say - Kids never remember and cherish their favourite serial that they saw on television, instead they cherish every intimate moment spent with parents all through their life. They may not have the ability to express the same, but, their behaviour plays a major role in holding cues in this regard. Taking responsibility in the way one parents the child is very much needed right from infancy stage.

Do not focus your energy on thinking about how you can control your child. Do you think of controlling your child while feeding, controlling her while playing, controlling her when she becomes irritable, controlling her when she doesn't listen to what you say? Just leave about controlling your child. When the parent starts to realise the situation and stays calm about it, reacting in the right manner, the child herself starts learning how to stay calm and there doesn't arise any situation where one would have to control another.

Staying calm is the key here. Again, staying calm is not equivalent to permissive parenting, same as addressed in this post.

Having this affirmation in your mind may be helpful - I should be not be the reason for any of my child's negative thoughts. Also, I should always try my best in screening her from any negative thoughts by teaching her how to ignore and grow out of negativity present around us.



Hoping this post helps in creating more parents who become aware of their lifestyle, their children's' learning and lifestyle and experience the joy of respectful parenting.

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